Purpose. Meaning. Direction.
I have been obsessed about these for as long as I can remember. I probably started thinking about them towards the end of my IB years (around 17-18 years old), when final examinations and the “big” decision on where and what to study loomed.
It was the first time that I took the future—who and what I wanted to be and do—seriously. Previously, school was all fun and games. Pass your papers, and you’re free to play soccer and cards all day long. But this felt like a critical moment that would lock my journey in for life. The thing that would give my life ultimate purpose.
Society has ingrained the belief that these moments are of supreme importance into us. Life is a linear, predictable path. Make the right choice, and you’re set for life. Make the wrong one… and it’s the end (ITE).
I turn 35 this year—almost two decades from that pivotal moment. I wonder how past me would react if he knew that I would continue to agonise over life’s purpose even today.
Worse, I agonise over agonising.
To onlookers, it might seem like I’ve got life sorted out:
- I’m happily married with a beautiful wife and lovely home.
- I run my own company, which is stable, provides us with a decent income, and allows me the freedom to work 3-4 hours a day.
- I have a “calling” to serve in Thailand, and a timeline as to when that would happen.
- I have a hobby (pickleball) that I enjoy immensely, and might use as a platform for ministry in the future.
- I have a small, cosy church family who I enjoy spending time with.
What more could I want, right?
Yet that sense of ultimate purpose continues to elude me.
Sure, there are periods where I see my work and God’s direction align clearly.
During those periods, time flows easily. I work hard without feeling dread. I experience joy and satisfaction from the visible fruits of my labor. I feel refreshingly present in conversations. It feels like all is well with the world.
But can I be honest?
These periods are fleeting.
Sometimes, they barely last two weeks.
Self-doubt creeps in. Questions cloud my mind.
Why am I feeling this way again? I thought everything was settled. All I need to do is keep going, right?
But life happens, and slowly but surely that sense of purpose melts away.
A bad game of pickleball. A negative pregnancy test. A month where expenses overrun sales.
Reminders that we’re still firmly rooted on planet Earth. That the kingdom of God, while at hand, remains a distant, foggy reality in my life.
Reminders that, despite all I’ve “achieved”, I’m still a failure. Undeserving of His love. Unworthy of the world’s attention.
Then I realise that my pursuit of purpose isn’t to glorify God, but to glorify myself. To make myself worthy. To qualify myself for success.
I was unaware of a deep sense of entitlement that I had developed over time. The idea that, by doing everything “right”, I deserved to achieve success (read: get all that I desired) in every part of my life.
But on this side of heaven, things will fall apart. Love is conditional. Loyalty is a mirage. Success is fleeting.
If we attempt to find meaning and purpose in this world, it will never end. If we use material things to define our success, the goalposts will keep shifting. Creation was never meant to fulfil our deepest desires – only to point to the Creator.
This might seem obvious to the seasoned Christian. I thought so too.
But the reality is that it is hard to deal with the lack of visible success in life—both internally and externally. Try as I might, I find it extremely challenging to define success in my life as simply “doing the will of God” when there’s no visible fruit to show everyone right away. Be ready for raised eyebrows and awkward conversations.
Therein lies in the tension of being a citizen of heaven living on earth. A struggle that will continue on till the day we pass on. But also a glorious freedom from the pressure of needing to get results here and now. Whatever God wills will be done. Whatever part I have to play in it, let me have the humility to do it to the best of my ability. That is my purpose and calling in life.
Amen.
