Living in congruence with who I think I am has been the greatest struggle in my life so far.
I have always had the sense that I am fundamentally different in the way that I think and operate. And all my life I’ve struggled to find a place and community where I feel like I truly belong—that accepts me for who I am. Instead, I’ve had to shape myself to fit molds of acceptable behavior.
I’m immediately brought back to my university days, where I thought I had found my belonging in the startup world – a place where out-of-the-box thinking and behavior are encouraged and applauded. Yet even in this space certain rules of engagement applied. A bigger box, yes, but still a box that desired to crush and conform me into a certain shape.
Within this bigger box, I strained against the boundaries and challenged expectations. Because deep inside me I knew that what was expected of me, wasn’t me.
During those years, I thought there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just get in line with the rest? Give up some media integrity to bring more cash into the company so that we can obtain even more media influence, for example. What a dilemma that was. Or fire someone who was underperforming—not because of her ability, but life circumstances—so that we can get someone better and worth the salary.
Yet my discontentment wouldn’t allow me to give up and give in (thank God for that).
Every step of the way, I’ve come to realise, has been a part of my journey in finding congruence in my life.
Congruence between:
- How God has made me and my personality
- The ability and talents God has given to me
- The desires that God has placed in my heart
- The brokenness that God has opened my eyes up to in the world
As I step out from the company I started, and into a new stage of life, I’m thankful that God is slowly but surely opening my eyes to seeing the areas of alignment that will eventually make up my vocation going forward. It couldn’t have been more timely.
I feel myself being drawn to doing things that bring people together—not because they have to, but because they want to.
I feel a burden to advocate for the role of Play and Rest in our lives, bringing them into harmony with Work (which is the default majority in most of our lives).
Once upon a time, I would have dropped this idea like a hot potato. How would others see me? Is it even financially viable? How would I feed my family, or even myself?
Today, I’m choosing to tune my ears and my heart to God’s frequency instead.
After all, that’s the only thing that will matter in eternity, when the kingdom of heaven fully emerges on earth.
